Mistress Kena is a pansexual polyamorous Domme who specializes in virtual sessions and audio content. She has been involved in the D/S lifestyle for over sixteen years however, only began charging for her services six years ago. Some of her favorite kinky interests include orgasm control, cuckolding, & pegging, but building & maintaining a deep connection with her subs are at the center of everything she does. She is an avid video & board game player. She currently resides in Los Angeles, California, and is working toward a sex therapist license through psychology. Find out more about her at www.MistressKena.com and on Twitter @MistressKena.
How did you get into the lifestyle?
I think like most people, I dabbled a bit in bondage play when I was younger – spankings, getting tied up, handcuffs, and that sort of thing. But it wasn’t anything serious that I thought about. It was all kept in the bedroom for that one night and it was all very superficial. At the time, I also did what I think many women do and took up the submissive role – like society makes us think we should. Honestly, I never really wanted to do it beyond “spicing up the bedroom.” It wasn’t until I was in my early twenties that I even considered topping, but when I did I found that it is so much more exciting than submitting.
I began participating in a lot of online play as a Domme, but it wasn’t until I started seeing a particular guy that it really clicked. Our relationship slowly became very centered on his role as a submissive and my role as a Domme. While before, it was something fun to do now and then, now I saw it as something that could elicit permanent change as well as one of the most intimate acts two people could share. It became incredibly meaningful to me and something that I have thought about every day since.
What is the best part of your work? What do you love the most about it?
What a great question! There are many things to love about being a sex worker, so it’s hard to pick just one. I love that I’m my own boss, make my own schedule, and can work from anywhere since it’s all online or over the phone. And since I am a Domme, I get to decide what happens during a session. I joke around all the time with friends and family that I just get to be mean to males all day and they pay me for it, though it’s actually much more complicated than that. For me, the work itself is exciting, arousing, and often very meaningful. Providing a safe space to explore things with another person can be extremely intimate and I love getting someone to open up about things they’ve often never even shared with people closest to them. That will always be thrilling to me.
What do you believe has been the key to your success?
I know it sounds trite and maybe even cheesy, but I don’t play a part and it’s not a game to me; I’m always being me. While there may be aspects of myself that I don’t share during sessions, the things I do participate in are things I actually enjoy. I’m pretty certain that the people I interact with can sense my genuine enthusiasm and interest when it’s piqued.
Do you live the lifestyle 24/7?
It’s funny that you ask that. No, I don’t. While I understand how it can be appealing for some people, it is just far too much for my personal taste. In fact, the reason that prior relationship I mentioned ended was that he wanted a 24/7 dynamic. And in his mind, that meant I should control everything he did from how many peas he’d eat, or when he’d wake or sleep, and what clothes he should wear each day. I basically always had to be “on.” Being “on” that much is just too exhausting. However, I do expect a lot of control in all of my relationships; both online and in-person, kinky and vanilla.
Do you go to any special clubs? Do you display your skills for others to see or it’s just more intimate for you and your sub?
I do not go to any special clubs, no, but I love the idea of it. I have been invited to a handful since I moved to Los Angeles and I’ve been very tempted to go. It is funny though: I’m not a shy person by any means, yet I shy away from big crowds. And like you said, it really is a much more intimate thing for me. But, I do love seeing what other people in the kink community can do. I envy some of their skills.
What perfume do you wear?
None. I avoid it completely as I am very sensitive to strong smells. But, generally, I smell like coconut and vanilla because of the hair products and lotions that I use.
Do you dominate only men, men and women, or both? What, if any, are the differences between dominating a man and dominating a woman?
Oh, I am so tempted to lie and say that I have dominated women. That would make me sound so much more experienced and powerful, wouldn’t it? But the truth is most of the people I have been involved with sexually or romantically have been male. And ever since I started charging for domination services, my clients have all been male. There was one opportunity to double dominate a woman long term, but that did not pan out as either of us had hoped. Her client was much more interested in inflicting pain on her than building a mental connection, so his Dom style clashed quite a bit with my own.
If I did have the opportunity to dominate a woman, I would go about it quite differently. For one, I think males are better behaved when they haven’t had an orgasm, so orgasm denial is one of my regular tools with them. Women, on the other hand, I think would behave much better if they were well pleased, so there would be very little denial. I would love to have a female sub one day. The thought is very exciting.
Does it get stressful always being in control? Do you ever just let go and let something happen spontaneously, or is it always thought out, planned, and controlled?
I think just like anything that requires deep focus and concentration, you have to be in the right headspace for it. I wouldn’t say that I find it stressful, no, but I am not always in the mood for it. There is definitely spontaneity in sessions, although some are very carefully crafted. Because every sub has different needs, it will depend on that particular sub. Some subs have very specific interests and any deviation kills the mood, but others enjoy a more general approach. I don’t enjoy one more than the other as my enjoyment always comes down to whether or not I enjoy the person submitting to me.
What is the most important thing you require from a sub?
Communication and honesty. In my opinion, while the fantasy is good and fun, the most exciting experiences you can have as either a Domme or a sub are those that are set in reality. Working within the bounds of whatever actual constraints a person has is so much more rewarding than pretending there aren’t any; because it’s real. I would much rather someone honestly tell me that they are happily married and have a healthy sex life with their partner than lie and tell me they live alone and are a virgin. We can certainly build a scene of that fantasy, but when I know my subs reality, it allows a lot more freedom to properly play. It also allows me to better understand my sub’s situation and to work it into what we do together. If they are partnered, I always hope to improve their relationships through their service to me – in one way or another. Communicating honestly builds the foundation possible to create lasting and potentially permanent change.
What is the biggest mistake a Domme can make, and what is the biggest mistake a sub can make?
Many Dommes will have different opinions on this, but I think the biggest mistake a Domme can make is to never admit they are wrong. In every relationship, no matter if it’s platonic, romantic, or kinky, there are going to be bumps along the road as you get to know one another. I think that holding the power, so to speak, also means being accountable. It’s okay to make a mistake and to not know everything and it’s important to recognize when that is. We can always learn more, but if a sub can’t trust you, you have nothing.
Regarding subs, letting their ego guide them is the biggest mistake. Dommes aren’t impressed by what many subs think is impressive. Often it’s the opposite. If something is not as fun to do as it is to think about, just say so. She’ll know not to push that button next time. Using safewords is important. A good Domme isn’t going to be upset that their sub is showing them their limits. If I enjoy you, I want to ensure our interactions are mutually enjoyable and sustainable. Putting ego aside is one of the first steps toward becoming a good sub.
What is your sexual kryptonite? What, if anything, brings you to your knees? What’s your favorite kink?
Androgyny is so incredibly sexy to me, especially males with “feminine” facial features. I love to see people playing with presentations in more than one gender. That is definitely my sexual kryptonite. What brings me to my knees? Hmm. I’d have to say the idea of turning out a male sub while I watch and instruct. So hot. It is hard for me to pick just one kink, but I would say any form of prostate play really gets me going. Pegging a male is so incredibly exciting.
What is the difference between a Domme and a Dominatrix?
I think most people use the two terms interchangeably. But the way I think of it is a Domme is a femme person who exerts control and power over another person while a Dominatrix is a femme person who has very specific skills and methods typical to a professional dungeon. In truth, I wish I had more skills that I could put to use in a dungeon, but I have not yet had the pleasure of access to that type of equipment. Some day.
Are you working toward an ultimate goal? Or, do you find this work something you want to do in the long-term?
As far as sex work, I do hope to continue this throughout my life – through my last years, if I can. Being a Domme has been a part of my identity for so long that I can’t imagine being unable to express and indulge that aspect of myself. I love the power dynamics of D/s and adding a financial component to that makes it even more exciting. I do have a long-term goal of getting licensed as a sex therapist. I’m currently in my last semester for my bachelor’s degree and working toward getting into grad school.