The naughty Christmas gift

So, the holiday season is upon us … and, yes, choices have to be made, important choices, choices about what to get your partner for Christmas...

So, the holiday season is upon us … and, yes, choices have to be made, important choices, choices about what to get your partner for Christmas, or Festivus, or whatever great excuse you favor towards the end of the year for a massive nosh-up and gratuitous gift-swapping. Like, do you get your significant other the kind of gift that should, all being well, lead to you both getting sweet and sweaty in the sack?

If you do decide to get that kind of gift, just how far along the fruity scale do you push it; soft or romantic; hard or dirty; nice or naughty? It is, if you like, the old holiday yin or yang question … or, to put it in more seasonally, the old ding or dong question. And of course, if you are getting something sexy, make sure that it’s going to be as much fun for her ding as it’s going to be for your dong. Remember, whatever you choose to buy, it is still, ostensibly, meant to be a gift for them, so don’t just buy your girlfriend a cock-ring.

If you make sure the intimate gift you choose is for both of you to enjoy, then it probably won’t matter how naughty the item is in itself, because putting it to use will be so nice.

Now, helpful preamble done, let’s get down to what I’ll be getting my wife this year … Be warned, obvious inherent sexiness aside, some of you may find the schmaltzy sentimentality of what I’m about to tell you somewhat akin to a natural emetic (look it up!), but hey, that’s your problem … I know what my wife likes. This year, I’m making her —that’s right, I said ‘making’—with paper and pens and sticking stuff and whatever other crafty material I can lay my hands on, a booklet of coupons!

That’s right, on the morning of December 25, 2014, I will be presenting my Boo with a lovingly handcrafted booklet of coupons, each of which she may redeem at any time in exchange for the activity scribed thereupon. And in tribute to that same spirit of moral simplicity that marks the rest of the holiday season, the activities I have chosen are, quite literally, a healthy mix of the naughty and the nice, the racy and the romantic.

Here’s the rundown (you can work out all the ‘this coupon entitles the holder to …’ shtick yourselves):

  • Dinner for two in your favorite restaurant
  • A sensual massage
  • Queen for a day
  • Oral sex—anytime, anywhere
  • Breakfast in bed
  • Role-play fantasy fuck
  • Romantic movie night
  • Sexy underwear day
  • A night on the town
  • Striptease

There, just as I said, a sweet and spicy potpourri of everything, from the heart-meltingly romantic to the downright nipple-tingling horny. You’ll notice that even the sweet stuff has the potential to end in a happy state of undress. Speaking of which, you may be asking yourself, what the hell is sexy underwear day? To be honest, it seems pretty self-explanatory to me, but what the hell … This is something that my wife and I fell upon by accident when she bought a corset a few years ago and we decided to do something called ‘Corset Day’, whereby for the whole of that day we did not leave the house and she wore nothing but a sexy, silky purple corset with stockings and suspenders (no panties!) while I wore nothing—nothing—but an open kimono-style robe. The joy of that day is seeing how long you can hold off from actually reaching orgasm—I mean, obviously, you’ll have a few, but a day is a long time and you’ll not want to spend it all too early—but, man, when you’re both looking so damn hot, it … is … hard! I’d recommend it to anyone. It’s a fucking great way to spend the day. Anyway, ‘sexy underwear day’ is a variation on that, except the underwear is new and a surprise to each other on unveiling. Since my wife reads my work, I can’t say what I’ve already picked out for when that awesome day arrives … seriously, it’s better than Christmas!

Everything on that list pretty much speaks for itself. Do make sure, however, that with something like ‘Queen for a Day’ your partner understands her absolute, imperial rule covers all things sexual and not just polishing her knick-knacks, unless, of course, that’s a thing too.

So, a relatively simple thing, a booklet of coupons, with the right choice of items can be an amazingly saucy, sensual gift. And let’s not forget that simply having so thoughtfully gone to the trouble of manufacturing something with your bare hands (sure, I know, it’s not like I chopped down a tree and carved a table, but we all live in cities, damn it!) will, in itself, no doubt earn more than a few all too appreciable brownie points … which you’ll probably be able to exchange for a blowie.

Naughty, yes, but very, very nice.
Happy Holidays!

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