My Perfect Valentine’s Day

Personally, since I’m basically an immature sort at heart, I don’t like to feel like I’m missing out on anything, so this year—as with many other years—I’ll be ...

Yep, it’s that time of year again, February 14th, Valentines Day; and suddenly the rest of the year seems like nothing more than just some slow, rumbling foreplay leading inexorably towards this annual, inevitable climax of luuuuuuurve! And sexiness, of course … let’s not forget sexiness!

I’ll repeat that … let’s not forget sexiness!

For while to some Valentines Day means flowers and a box of chocolates, candlelit dinners (a terrible way to cook, by the way; it takes forever), or moonlit walks in Paris—all nice, lovely things to be sure—for others, February 14th means deep red lingerie, the removal of key elements of that deep red lingerie, the indulgence of fantasies … and if chocolate is involved, as it sometimes is, it doesn’t come in a box, but rather in a jar, with a brush, to be applied to various parts of the body and licked off with bacchanalian abandon.


Personally, since I’m basically an immature sort at heart, I don’t like to feel like I’m missing out on anything, so this year—as with many other years—I’ll be doing the V-Day Combo Special, thank you very much; a heady cocktail of love and romance (which my wife, maddeningly, insists on pronouncing ‘wub’ and ‘womance’—two words, now I think about it, that might just save the life of someone overdosing on Viagra since hearing them is almost 100% guaranteed to immediately drain the blood from any penis) and some seriously fruity ugly-bumping.

This year, happily, Valentines Day falls on a Saturday, meaning that for those of us with two-day weekends (enjoy it while you can, before the neoliberal nightmare enslaves us all) the Combo Special can be eked out and savored across the entire day.

So, without further ado, here’s the list of ingredients that are going to make my V-Day Combo Special mind-blowingly awesome. Feel free to use it as the template for your own Valentine’s—all I ask is that you think of me! Nah, just kidding. Although … No, no, you’re right. I couldn’t take the wave of psychic energy; it’d put me off my game. The list then …

  1. Wake up the wife by sprinkling flower petals over her and then go down on her
  2. A little breakfast in bed while we watch something stupid on TV
  3. Intimate that I’d quite like her to go down on me now too, please (we call mutual oral sex in the morning ‘bacon and eggs’—so we’ll be enjoying two breakfasts that day!)
  4. Shower together, slowly, taking care not to miss a single inch
  5. Take the wife to town, have lunch somewhere cool, indulge in a quick fuck in the washroom, buy each other stuff, check out some art, hold hands, revel in the sex musk coming off both of us, and stare at things behind windows
  6. Back home to get changed for the evening. If you’ve been a good boy—and I’ve been a very good boy—she’ll put on the red lingerie you bought her especially; the stockings, the suspenders … oddly enough, most of the time, red doesn’t do it for either of us, but on Valentines Day we both go loopy for it; go figure
  7. Go out to a romantic restaurant, eat bloody red meat, drink red wine, feed each other rich, dark, moist chocolate cake and play with each other under the table … basically excite the fuck out of each other until you’re both in a delicious state of anxiety, torn between wanting to stay and enjoy the multi-leveled sensual feast and wanting to get home right now and fuck like bunnies
  8. Go home, take off some of those aforementioned ‘key elements’ of lingerie (i.e., everything but the stockings and suspenders and high heels) … and yes, fuck like bunnies … really dirty bunnies …

Happy Valentines Day!

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