When the most relationship first begins, sex is full of discovery, intimacy, and fun. Over time, this new-found excitement and intrigue start to wane as demands of life may get too overwhelming to an extent that you begin to neglect your sex life. This does not mean you can no longer have a satisfying and desirable sex life just because you have been married for many years. Sex drives like the tide of the sea can go into “high tide” and “low tide” at times which is perfectly normal in every relationship.
So how can you continue to have a fulfilling and pleasurable sex life when your relationship is way beyond the novelty stage?
(1) Talking and listening to each other
It is important to talk to your partner about the issues whether they are physical or emotional in nature. If you feel your partner is no longer interested in sex, let him or her know your concerns and find out how he/she thinks about it and to work out ways to overcome this problem. If you are the one who has a lower sex drive, you need to reassure your partner that you love them and enjoy being close to them. You want to try something new, discuss it with your partner, and be open to his or her ideas too. If for certain unknown reasons, both of you find it difficult to talk about sex, you may need to seek the help of a counselor. Your loss in libido is due to signs of medical problem or medication, you will have to discuss with your doctor to find out what you can do to improve your sex life.
(2) Recognize that sex is more than just orgasm and penetration
It can be stressful to both parties if your sole objective of sex is orgasm and penetration. Instead you should try to enjoy the process of lovemaking and the feelings of arousal with your partner. You can spend time exploring each other’s bodies to find out what both of you like, through bathing together, giving each other sensual massage or just simply touching each other from head to toes. Through this process, you will also be able to discover your partner’s sexual preferences through your partner’s breathing and the sounds he or she make.
(3) Finding out what you like and what works for you
Sexual preference is a very unique and personal thing. Therefore you should spend some time to get to know your body in order to discover what feels good. You can lie in a warm bath to explore your body and experience the sensation of how the water feels on your skin. Find out what you like through masturbation, and then share this with your partner.
Losing sexual desire can happen for a number of reasons, such as getting older, illness, having children or worries about work, money or the relationship. If one partner has a higher sex drive than the other, you have to work out how to manage it within the relationship. Masturbation, sex toys or merely hugs and kisses may be an option. A lot of people who may not be able to accommodate a full sexual intercourse would be happy to give their partner that kind of sexual pleasure.
You may no longer feel comfortable with the usual sexual positions you once enjoyed. This does not mean you need to give up on having sex. The key to a great sex life is to find out what works for you now.
You can try the sexual positions that you both find comfortable and pleasurable. If erectile dysfunction is an issue, you can adopt the woman-on-top sex position. For women, using lubrication can help to overcome dryness problem. You can also make some changes in the way you engage in sexual activities such as having sex in different places and time of the day.
You can redefine sex to more than just penetration. Intercourse is only one way to have fulfilling sex. Holding each other, gentle touching, kissing, sensual massages, oral sex or masturbation can be just as pleasurable for both you and your partner.
Because it might take longer for you or your partner to become aroused, you should take more time in your foreplay to create and build up the mood, such as a romantic dinner or an evening of dancing. Share romantic or erotic literature and poetry. Or try connecting first by extensive touching, kissing, teasing or tickling your partner.
(4) Understanding and overcoming the obstacles to sex
Understanding the problems can be an effective first step to find solutions to overcome the obstacles to a satisfying sex life.
Stress, anxiety, depression can affect your sexual desire and your ability to get aroused. Psychological changes may even interfere with your ability to connect emotionally with your partner. Some people feel embarrassed, either by their aging bodies or by their bedroom performance, while others may feel less attractive to their partners.
It is therefore very important to have a 2-way communication to share with each other the thoughts, fears and desires. It will be of great help for you to accept that changes are inevitable and natural. If you can adopt a positive attitude (to love and appreciate yourself as what you are) and open mind to make the necessary adjustments, you can still enjoy a gratifying sex life at any age. As much as you can, do use your age and experience to be wise and candid with yourself. Learn to let go of any feelings of inadequacy and simply enjoy the pleasure of being physically and emotionally close to your partner.
Getting older does not mean you have to forego the things and activities you use to enjoy. If health allows, you should stay energetic by exercises and increasing your general level of activity. This will benefit your sex drive by increasing your energy and is also good for your mind, mood and memory.