Today I’m going to deep dive into what slow sex is, why it matters, and why it could be the thing that single-handedly revitalizes your relationship, magnifies the sexual pleasure that both you and your partner feel, and reduces stress, fights, and your susceptibility to the goings-on of daily life.
The Biggest Problem With Society Today And How It Affects Our Sex Lives
We live in what has often been referred to as ‘the information age.’ There’s more information at our fingertips than ever before, and a result of this phenomenon is that we are more prone than ever to being stuck living in our heads, and feeling increasingly disconnected from our bodies and sexual selves.
With all of this technology fighting for our attention, we often feel distracted, anxious, and disconnected from ourselves and from our partners.
The more anxious and disconnected we feel from ourselves, the more prone we are to craving quick fixes. We want the five-minute cures. We crave fast foods and faster orgasms. Anything to distract us from how disconnected we are from our bodies.
In an unfortunately realistic and common worst-case scenario, couples have sex a few times per week with each session lasting anywhere from two to ten minutes. It isn’t uncommon for clients that come to me to say that they have maybe half an hour per week of total time where they are sexually engaging with their partners.
Clearly, as a sex and relationship coach, I’m biased but what else is life for if not slowing down to connect with and make love with our significant others? What else are we racing around, accumulating stuff, and things, and social status for, if not to ultimately just wind down with someone that we love? Love is always the answer. And slow sex is a delicious and efficient way to access that love.
If given the choice between thirty minutes a week of shallow, draining sexual activity, and five hours of energizing, deeply connected, emotionally invigorating sexual play, I believe that the vast majority of people (men and women) would choose the latter, every single time.
To put it in another context, would you rather eat fast food three times a week and feel drained, grumpy, and tired afterward, or sample gourmet, three Michelin star chef-prepared food for ten hours a week and feel miraculously recharged (like you could run a marathon) at the end of each extended meal? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Therefore, slow sex is where it’s at.
The Primary Benefits Of Slow Sex
While some of the benefits of slow sex might be more self-explanatory than others, I feel it necessary to point out the major benefits that come from engaging in regular (or even occasional) slow sex with your partner.
Practicing slow sex results in:
– More orgasms (higher total number of orgasms)
– More powerful orgasms (for both of you)
– More connection between you and your significant other
– Fewer and easier fights outside of the bedroom
– Less stress in your daily life
– More sex (in total time and in the total number of weekly sessions)
– Your partner is more likely to initiate sex because the sex is that much better
– If one or both of you are male, slower sex gives a higher likelihood that you will be able to have multiple ejaculatory orgasms without being deterred by your refractory period (aka the time it takes you to sexually recharge)
– More expert-level knowledge of what specifically turns your partner on and what gets them to climax
Alright, we get it. Slow sex is phenomenal. So how do you do it? And what does it look like when the rubber hits the road (or when bare skin touches bedsheets)?
Now we’ll deep dive into foreplay, during play, and after play, to give you the full comprehensive rundown of how slow sex looks in practical, actionable terms. Don’t forget to take notes.
Slow Sex: Foreplay
Slow sex starts in foreplay because foreplay sets the tone of how the overall sexual sessions are going to go.
For many couples, their pre-sex rituals are the things that build the sexual tension and anticipation in the room.
It could be as overt as putting on your sex playlist, putting condoms on the bedside table, and hungrily looking into your partner’s eyes and saying “Get your sexy ass on the bed, now.” Or it could be as subtle as grabbing your partner’s bum while they brush their teeth (or whatever your covert sign is that signals that you’re feeling voracious).
Turn off any and all digital distractions (phones, tablets, computers, TVs, etc.) in order to get out of your head and allow yourself to land in your body. Maybe you want to have a bath together, or start with some light massage. Heck, even slow dancing to imaginary music at the foot of your bed will work. Anything that allows you to disconnect from your day, get into your body, and connect with your partner is phenomenal pre-foreplay.
Now, on to the juicy stuff.
Slow Sex Foreplay Tips If Your Partner Is A Woman
(Note: remember that absolutely any sex tips that come from someone who isn’t you and doesn’t know your partner will require some heavy calibration. Every person on the planet is sexually unique. Only your partner knows what all of their sexual turn-on’s and turn-off’s are, and a healthy dose of communication is necessary in order to help create the best mutual sexual experience for each other.)
I spent years studying Taoist sexual philosophy, and one of my absolute favourite concepts that came from them is the idea that women and men cultivate sexual energy differently. Women cultivate sexual energy like a whirlpool… starting from the outside/extremities and needing to be slowly brought towards the centre, and men bring forth sexual energy like a whirlpool but from the centre outwards. To put this in overly simplistic terms, men’s sexual energy starts in the genitals and spreads outwards over time, and women’s sexual energy starts in the extremities and needs to be slowly brought towards the genitals.
So what does this mean in practical, actionable terms? Unless you have a somewhat unique partner who wants you to just jump right in (and she tells you so explicitly), it’s considered safe practice to start with kissing, cuddling, touching, necking, etc., and then working your way towards manual stimulation and oral sex.
While this list is by no means exhaustive, here are a few examples of things that you can do to start your slow sex foreplay
(Note: this list is also not meant to be done in any particular order. This is a non-linear list. It’s a free for all. The best guide as to what your partner needs next is her body, breath, words, and overall sexual responsiveness.)
– Spend time touching and cuddling. Envelope her with your arms. Lightly stroke her hair. Give her an extended sensual massage. Run your fingers along her back, spine, and thighs in slow, lingering, circular motions to wake up her senses. If it’s genuine, make small appreciative grunts/moans/sounds that show her how much you adore her delicious body.
– If your partner enjoys being kissed on the neck/shoulder area (check with her first… some people adore this and others find it too ticklish), then spend a few minutes lightly breathing on the nape of her back, behind her ear, and over the part of her shoulder where her bra strap would normally fall. Easy does it. Start very gently. Let your breath and lips do most of the work, to begin with and simply graze their skin. Over time, use a somewhat firmer touch, suck on her flesh lightly, and maybe incorporate some teeth if she’s into that. Again, calibration. Some women like no teeth at all, others like it when you leave marks. It all depends on the individual and her preferences.
– Spend ample time kissing her. Kiss her lovingly. Kiss her slowly. Kiss her face, neck, arms, ribs, stomach, legs, inner thighs… kiss her everywhere. Lovingly take her face in your hands and kiss her softly. Grab a fistful of her hair and kiss her lustily (again, calibration – preferences around pain as a turn-on is unique – some love it, some hate it).
– Spend enough time on the preparatory phase that when you eventually go to put your fingers between her legs, you’ll have no doubt that she’ll already be dripping wet by the time you touch her. If you’re unsure, double the time that you tease her/engage in your foreplay. Her body should start moving in a responsive manner with your hands. Her breathing will change. Believe me, especially if you’ve never spent 30+ minutes on foreplay in your life before, it will be massively apparent when she wants you to escalate to touching her between the legs.
– When you have figured out that, yes, she definitely wants you to start touching her down there, don’t just b-line it for her. Again, easy does it. Slow sex is supposed to be slow.
Enjoy the slow pacing of the drawn-out tease. Run your fingers over her stomach, over her hip bones, down her hips, on the inside and outside of her thighs. Take your time. Remember the whirlpool analogy. Slowly find your way there. Allow your fingers to take their time finding their way into her wetness. And even when they have, start with slow, long strokes. Her vulva is its own whirlpool… so take your time finding your way to her clitoris.
– When you decide/she decides that you/she would like to have your mouth on her, kiss your way down her body. Kiss a pathway down her neck, collar bone, breasts, nipples, rib cage, stomach, hips, legs, inner thighs, calves, the crease where her thigh meets her groin, where her pubic hair is/would be (if she shaves/waxes)… kiss her everywhere. Multiple times.
– Get into a comfortable position (for you and her) when you’re getting ready to go down on her. You want everything about how you prepare to sub-communicate to her “I am sitting down to my favorite meal in the world… I’ll be here for a while so don’t mind me. You just sit back and relax.” If you contort your body into an awkward position that will inevitably make you cramp up, not only will it hurt your neck/body, but it communicates from the get-go “I’m just doing this for a few seconds because I think it is expected of me, and I won’t be here long.” So get comfortable. Take your time. And hopefully, you’ve been doing your tongue/jaw exercises in order to last for as long as you want while you’re down there.
– In the context of any kinds of foreplay/sexual play that you’re doing with your partner, consider the intent behind your contact. Play with this. Vary it. Experiment. How would you touch your lover if the intent behind your touch was to show and communicate tenderness? What about if it was lust? How about craving? How about love? How would your intent shift the dynamic of your touch… whether you are touching with hands, lips, tongue, or other?
Like I said, this list is by no means a complete one. Maybe your partner prefers a rougher/more aggressive style during foreplay (if so, read this and this). Maybe she has her own unique style of foreplay not mentioned above that gets her going (foot massage, spanking, twenty minutes of you slowly sucking on her nipples, etc.). Remember, she is the expert. Go in with open ears and an open mind, and your slow sex session will be off to a great start.